Spartacus (2004)

You know it, I know it. Most remakes fall into the realm of the completely fucking pointless. But given just how awesome the whole story of Spartacus is, this one can't possibly be all bad - right? Right?

The stated goals of this retelling are to follow the novel more closely, and to remove some of the historical inaccuracies from the original movie. I'll be honest, I didn't even know that Stanley Kubrick's original 1960 effort was based on a novel, so I have no idea if it suceeds in the former. As far as the latter is concerned, perhaps it suceeds in some areas, but at the same time it creates its own inaccuracies.

A small friend of mine pointed out to me that even the opening shot is of a modern industrial forest. Then there are the weirder errors - there is a particularly mystifying scene towards the end, in which Crassus is outraged at having to share the consulship with Pompey. "A shared consulship? This has never before been seen in Rome!" says one man. Huh?

Before I watched the mini-series, I did wonder exactly which inaccuracies were to be corrected. Would Spartacus himself be portrayed more realistically, perhaps, as less of a hero of the people and more of a complex character? Would the revolt be portrayed not as an effort to end all slavery in Rome, but as a far more straightforward steal-their-shit-then-lets-leg-it operation?

No such luck.

Spartacus is every bit the righteous, heroic figure who was portayed by hollywood forty-four years earlier. He sets about with the goal of ridding the world of the evils of slavery, as well as apparently promoting equal rights for women this time round. He probably wants to prevent global warming, too.

Goran Višnjić isn't all that bad in the role. The only truly toe-curling peformance comes from Angus Macfadyen as Crassus - yes, that is the Laurence Olivier role in the original. Quick tip, Angus, if you're going to take on any Olivier role, try a little subtlety and restraint in your performance.

Macfadyen doesn't even look like Crassus. To avoid ranting any further, I will simply use these images to sum up my feelings on the matter:


In a sense, I could almost recommend this mini-series simply because it will remind you of how good Kubrick's Spartacus really is.

While this is a TV mini-series, and such is apparent in the quality of directing, it actually runs about the same length as the original movie. And yet it feels so much longer. It has none of the technical mastery, none of the dramatic engagement of the excellent Kubrick version.

If you do decide to watch it, set aside six hours rather than three - you may feel a strange impulse to see Olivier in a toga.

Romolo e Remo (1961)

It was immediately after the release of Spartacus (1960) that this epic Italian feature went into production. Known in the US primarily under the title "Duel of the Titans", it is, to date, the only film that has ever been made about the Romulus and Remus legend.

And a rather enjoyable telling it is. Steve Reeves (of Hercules fame) stars opposite fellow bodybuilder-turned-actor Gordon Scott (of Tarzan fame) as the titular brothers. At the time, Reeves was probably the biggest star of European cinema, but it is Scott who really sticks in the mind due to his superior abilities as an actor. Though, to be fair to him, Reeves does appear to have the more impressively bulging biceps.

Originally, the studio wanted Steve Reeves to play both brothers in a dual-role. However, it was Reeves himself who suggested Scott to play opposite him. It was a good move, certainly, and I don't doubt that the central conflict of the film would have had far less resonance had Reeves played his own twin.

The other noteable in the movie is sexy blonde Virna Lisa, who plays the love interest which serves to drive a further wedge between the two brothers (the primary wedge being the blind ambition of Remus). In the years which followed, Lisa went on to play in high-profile Hollywood romantic comedies opposite the likes of Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Frank Sinatra, and her career flourished for many decades beyond.

The same cannot be said for Reeves and Scott, both of whom retired at around the time the Spaghetti western emerged, and interest in sweaty men in loincloths began to wane.

Historical accuracy is not much of a concern, given that the story is itself a legend. The script does, however, avoid direct reference to the supernatural, in keeping with the other historical pepla of the time. The explicit presence of Gods and monsters was reserved only for those obviously fantastical movies such as the Hercules saga. Instead, we are treated to a bear-fighting sequence, a great deal of blade-on-blade action, as well as the obligatory volcanic thrills.

None of this bears much direct relation to the original ancient legend of Romulus and Remus, of which there are a number of different versions. The opening sequence, and the inevitable climax, are the only elements that really stay true to the source material. The movie takes us on a journey all of its own, and an enjoyable adventure is had by all who partake.

It's clear that the makers of this movie had spend a great deal of time watching Spartacus. From the costume and set design down to the scale and the style of storytelling, there are certain sequences which could easily have been transplanted direct from Kubrick's famed Roman epic. The biggest difference between the two movies, naturally, is that people have heard of Spartacus.

This fact is something of an injustice; even the fantastically terrible B-movie fare of Hercules and the Captive Women are remembered more than these perfectly serviceable historical epics. Perhaps the problem is simply that they aren't good enough to be cinematic classics, nor are they bad enough to feature on MST3K.

Movies such as this are lost in the bottomless sea of mediocrity, from whence few souls have been recovered.

Gli ultimi giorni di Pompei (1959)

The Last Days of Pompeii is one of the Italian sword-and-sandal movies - also known as pepla - which were produced from the late fifties to the mid sixties. It is a genre largely characterised by beautiful women in clingy, tiny tunics lusting after muscle-bound men in even clingier and tinier tunics.

Despite the success of such movies at the time, and their sheer quantity, their memory has largely faded from the public consciousness, replaced by the more acclaimed genre of the Italian spaghetti western which immediately followed. This particular feature is noteable to fans of both genres, since reportedly it was largely directed by a fellow named Sergio Leone, stepping in for director Mario Bonnard who had fallen ill during production.

Last Days is also among the first of these movies to be set in Ancient Rome. It stars beefcake Steve Reeves, an American bodybuilder who predated Clint Eastwood in crossing the atlantic to become the highest paid actor in Europe. His performances in Hercules and Hercules Unchained more or less created the whole peplum fad at the time.

Problem is, Steve Reeves hadn't really escaped his Hercules persona. That means this outing sees his character, Centurion Glaucus, slaying dozens of enemies and consistently performing superhuman feats of strength (even while spending most of the film with a rather nasty arrow wound). Though to be fair, Russell Crowe pretty much repeated this trick forty years later in Gladiator.

Other noteables in the movie include a 14-year-old Christine Kaufmann, who a few years later would become the second of Tony Curtis' six wives (incidentally, Spartacus himself Kirk Douglas was the best man at the wedding). Spanish actor Fernando Rey - known for The French Connection - also appears as a devious high priest.

The film begins rather brutally, with a nasty-looking gang of black-hooded men storming a villa, stealing treasures and slaughtering men, women and children. As these brutes set the place aflame and gallop away with their loot, the camera pans to the terrible mark the bandits have left behind - *gasp* - a sign of the cross!

Fear not, though, for this movie is rather aggressively pro-Christian. And we all know there is no way Christians would ever don hoods and go around slaughtering innocent folk, especially not in such an innocent time as the 1950s. So, it's up to the Centurion Glaucus and friends to figure out what's really going on in Pompeii, while the rest of us wait breathlessly (and often impatiently) for the inevitable finale.

The pagans, naturally, are generally portrayed as decadent, ammoral wankers, while all of the Christians in the movie are fucking saints. This skewed plot apparently bears little resemblance to the Bulwer-Lytton novel of the same name, though it does feature the same characters. Aside from other early adapatations, there is a 1984 TV version which is apparently much closer to the original source material.

The Pompeii sets built for this movie are very fine indeed. The portrayl of day-to-day Roman life is also rather good - there are even some subtle references to the many brothels and whorehouses which graced every corner of the doomed city. One of the final scenes takes place in an amphitheatre, which is probably the most impressive set of all.

For the time, the climatic special effects are quite incredible, and you wonder if a late-fifties Hollywood epic would have done it any better. The sheer quantity of sparkling pyrotechnics and crumbling sets on display must have cost a pretty penny indeed.

Steve Reeves also picked up a rather nasty real-life injury during this movie, when his chariot crashed into a tree. This injury effectively put an end to his bodybuilding career, as well as ultimately forcing his early retirement from the movie business a few years later. What a huge pansy he was.